The Day I Stopped Being an Atheist — My Complicated Relationship with God
From the beginning to the end
As I got down from the stairs for my tuition, I kept praying, “Please God, please let her not remember I missed my homework. I don’t want to get screwed up with the complaint going to my parents. Please God, please. I’ll finish it tomorrow for sure”.
You see, from 2nd to 4th grade, my parents sent me for tuition because I was horrible at academics. As a child, I preferred to hide between bedsheets and read books instead of studying for exams—any day.
And on this particular incident, I had conveniently forgotten to practice the homework assigned to me. Mind you, this wasn’t the first time. Neither the second. It was the third consecutive day of forgetting to do the same assignment.
I had the same request to God every damn time, too, for my tutor to completely forget that I missed submitting my assignment.
But that day taught me an important lesson
You cannot ask God to save your ass every time.
The first two times when I surrendered myself to God in 3rd grade, lo behold, my tutor forgot to ask me for my assignments.
The tutor, who never forgot anything, forgot to ask me for my assignment.
While my belief in the almighty increased exponentially as a child, I learned that you could not take him for granted. And that was the start of a beautiful and rocky relationship between the almighty and me.
For years, I imagined the almighty being a version of our Hindu family God (Vishnu) and made him my friend whenever I needed help. Only when I needed something, I focused on the image of the Lord’s feet in my head and fervently prayed for the said thing to happen.
I begged and rolled on the floor when I wanted a sister instead of a brother. When I was petrified of street dogs. Before exams. After exams. Before results. When someone was sick. When I wanted to escape my mother’s clutches after making some mistake. You get the point.
And every damn time, my friend was there for me, without asking anything in return, just giving and giving.
Yes, if you’re curious, I do have a sister now.
Something changed in my teens. I grew brains. Or thought I did.
Logic overwhelmed my emotions.
“How could you believe in an idol?” I began to question my parents. “Why are we wasting so much milk, fruits, and produce on an idol instead of distributing it to the poor? It’s not that India is a rich country, and millions of children might need it.”
To be honest, I have no idea how this transformation occurred.
When did I change from a god-fearing child to a questioning-who-is-god child? I never knew.
I also realized that everyone here prayed only when they needed something. And in exchange, they offered something precious to God. I used to scoff, thinking, why would someone (God) who already had everything need it?
**Thoroughly forgetting that I also begged him only when I needed something
I hated seeing thousands of liters of milk, water, and essential resources going to “waste.” “Did God ask for all this?” I questioned my family, getting no answer from any of them. “Don’t ask stupid questions like that” was the only response I often received to quench my curious brain.
From a young girl who believed in the supreme being, I stopped visiting temples or praying. Worse even berated people who went to those structures to pray. I thought they were old-minded and depended on an unknown figure to solve their problems instead of doing it independently. I firmly believed they didn’t want to write their destiny and found it easier to blame others for their misdoings. Furthermore, I accepted that I fully controlled my actions and their repercussions.
My logic had finally triumphed emotions.
In 11th and 12th grade, I fully converted into an atheist. I didn’t care anymore, for I had seen and experienced enough for a 17-year-old to believe that God didn’t exist. If he did, he would have saved me from all my childhood trauma, would he not? First, idol worship is stupid. And what’s the point of worshipping an idol if he doesn’t give results?
Where’s the investment of my time and money?!
Yes, I wasn’t a positive person then for sure…but wait… there’s more to come.
The day I stopped being an atheist
2017–2018 was a breakthrough year for me, which defined the start of the transformation to become the person I am today.
My 20th year on this earth was when I completed my graduation, started looking for a job, and met my life partner, all in one year. And such extreme changes in a short span can push you to your limits and define what you are even if you’ve been avoiding that aspect of yourself for almost a decade.
I distinctly remember it being my 5th interview. I was getting frustrated through the whole process. Every time, I reached the final round, only to mess up and lose the opportunity. With no clue where I was falling short, my helplessness only seemed to mount
To be honest, it sucked.
It sucked even more when my peers started getting placed. I hated the looks of excitement and contentment in their faces and wanted the same for me. I burnt on the charcoals of jealousy every single time. My decade-long dream was to get into corporate, only to earn money, and I was not ready to lose it because of minor mistakes.
Amidst the cut-throat competition, everyone wanted to succeed. Everyone had to succeed.
In one of those low moments, I found God again.
I distinctly remember passing through a Vishnu temple on the way home from a friend’s house one day. And unknowingly, I got pulled towards it, like energy attracting me. I immediately stopped the vehicle and got into the temple after washing my feet and hands.
The peace I immediately felt was unimaginable. And one that I could only get in those shrines.
The aroma of Tulsi leaves (holy basil) and the fragrance of a variety of flowers served to the idol embraced me in a warm hug. The vibration of the chats from the priests calmed me down to no end. The visual of God, and his feet which were ingrained in my head, activated my tear-ducts, bringing back all my childhood memories.
I missed my relationship with God. That incident made me question, “when had I grown up?”.
If it sounds like a lot of voodoo magic, I can’t explain. If you’ve experienced a similar kind of energy, you will know what I’m talking about.
I spent three hours in the temple that day.
Sitting. Observing. Inhaling. Listening. Experiencing. Smiling.
Existing. After a long time.
I was talking to God, updating him about everything that had happened in my life until that point. As though he didn’t know, but it still felt great to let it all out. My deepest darkest secrets that I was afraid to tell anyone, my ups, and downs, emotional turmoil, everything.
It almost felt like talking to a long-lost friend again.
And that friend helped me through getting into one of the world’s best firms in my 13th interview, guided me when I had to decide on marriage, smiled from above when I tied the knot, wished me the best of luck on my first day of work, advised me when I had to make a career transition into a full-time writer and is still with me. In some form or the other.
Did I go back to who I was as a child?
No.
I guess I’m somewhere in between, which is excellent. After that day, I got back into my complicated-which-only-I-can-understand relationship with the almighty.
I still didn’t believe in idol worship. But I firmly believe that there is a supreme being guiding us through our ups and downs.
I still didn't start believing that once we ask him, we automatically get everything. But, I accepted that there was something called destiny and that we cannot explain some things.
I never put the complete responsibility of my actions on him now. But I firmly believed that I needed to put in the effort, and he will take care of the results.
I still don’t like people spending millions in the name of God. I still believe that at least three-fourths of those resources can be given to the poor or used in a better way. I still hate the horrible atrocities folks go through, only to “please” God.
But I have begun to respect that I cannot judge another human’s faith in whatever form. To each their own, right?
So if someone asks me today, “Do you believe in God?”
I reply, “It’s complicated.”
